This may be a jump around nonsensical post about many things. I just need to get them out of my brain. The past three days have been horrible. Just horrible. Alice has been sick, no one is sleeping and most of all our young pastor committed suicide. Yup you heard right. At first I was on shock, then I got REALLY mad! I mean really mad! I didn't expect it, it wasn't planned it was just an accumulation of the pain from the rest of the year!
It's been a doozy. It started out ok. Things were fairly ordinary. Then, in March our older son Andrew's dear friend lost his life to a motorcycle accident. He was barely 21, has a 1 year old little boy and a beautiful girlfriend. His life was stolen away in a moment.
In April Alice's had her tonsils and adenoid out and that was horrible!!! She couldn't swallow, couldn't talk and when she did try to eat or drink it would come out her nose. Her body had to rebuild the strength to swallow because the adenoid left an enormous gap between her nose and her esophagus. She lost 12 pounds and it took 6 weeks to recover.
Then, in May, Andrew went with a ton of middle school boys on a weekend our church calls "The Dangerous and Daring Weekend". He was showing them how to cut wood and missed, he nearly cut off his left hand. Through Orthoscopic micro surgery he was blessed to regain all his strength and has full use of both his hand and wrist but it has taken the greater part of the rest of the year to recover. He fell in to a depression and decided to leave school behind for the rest of the year. By grace of God alone he is working and he is mentally back to his old self only stronger.
In June, our sweet beloved Buster, our 95 pound Kerr and Rotty Mix developed cancer and he had to be put down. We cried and cried and cried.
In August relationships were ended and we found our that my Mom had a stroke. Yet, again by grace of God alone she has fully recovered and is just like her old self.
In November we found out that our sweet Alice has several learning disorders. She came home form school to be home schooled, which was always my preference, however it is a rigorous and demanding routine.
Our middle son Caleb, battles and enlarged heart and Steve, my husband is a two time heart attack survivor. He is 50.
Now this. Call me selfish but enough is enough! I just want a chance to breath. We will grieve him from afar. Over the past 22 years we have experienced, now 3 suicides, 2 accidental deaths, Steve's Dad to cancer, he was 65, Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, and our sweet friends 5 year old daughter. Enough funerals!
Why am I telling you all this why? Because we all walk through pain. Pain we tell no one else about , pain that could cripple us from the inside out, pain that makes us angry, depressed and causes us to want to give up.
Here is why I don't.......
is enough for me to keep on. To keep hope alive, to let my tears wash away my pain, to allow the Holy Spirit to dwell in the places of my heart that I cannot reach.
To pray to laugh to wonder. Jesus is enough.
He is big enough to wash away ALL my PAIN!!!